The Source Of Anger

As a group, regardless of individual success, transgender people are still misunderstood and stand alone outside the walls of mainstream society. As such they more than anyone else should understand the concept of live and let live? That doesn’t just mean accepting the clothes that others wear, it also means accepting the right for others to have ideas different from their own. After all, it is the lack of that very ideology that fortifies the barriers between people in the first place.

"I like you if you are like me, however if you are not I will convince you why you should be." Have you heard that before in some form or another? God, regardless of your religious background, tells us to love thyself and thy neighbor. I don’t recall ever remember reading anything that said "love thy neighbor, unless of course they are different or disagree with you - in that case convert them or kill them".

This all seems simple I know, and yet I continually see people  showing that lack of understanding of someone’s basic right to have their own opinion. Everyone seems to think it’s about right and wrong. How mainstream society be expected to respect differences and individual points of view, if within individual groups they can’t do it amongst themselves?

A few weeks ago I received an email from a reader who said he was frustrated, still living with an un-accepting wife (who he referred to as the bitch down the hall). He wanted to leave home and live life as a woman, and pleaded with me to help find him a job through whatever connections he thought I had. I could feel his pain and wanted to help, but explained that I didn't know of any jobs where he could work as a woman, and that many friends struggle with that same daunting task. I sensed in him a lot of frustration that was manifesting into anger.

I have seen many transgender women in pursuit of their femininity, or escape from their masculinity, depending on your point of view, that jump head first into the stream of transformation. But extending the femme experience is not always the answer. Many t-girls have rushed ahead only to find that the reality did not live up to the promise of the fantasy. I have seen this first hand with close friends and was concerned for this reader. Most of the articles I write provoke questions and self-exploration rather than give a specific position in the form of answers, and my correspondence with him was no different.

In writing to him I always maintained that he ultimately might choose to proceed down the path of living as a woman full time, but that he should go slow and think thoroughly through his plans. Wanting to do something so bad your bones hurt is not the same as thinking it through, nor does it guarantee it is the right thing for you either. In the poem Broken Spirit, I wrote of a real life friend who spent 30 years crossdressing and fantasized about being a woman for years. He began to interact with people, both in the mainstream and transgender community, and realized in time that the dressing all these years was an attempt to be someone else: he didn't like who he was. But, as the truth became clear, -- that even in a dress he was the same person - he stopped dressing. And though he is now dealing with personal acceptance issues, he realized that crossdressing was for him a hiding place, not truly his gender ID.

I was taken back when the reader became angry and began making character attacks on me. By being concerned and asking whether he really thought it through, he determined that I was not listening. My inability to find him a job as a woman, thus crushing his dream, was seen as me not caring. In one email he said that he disagreed when I wrote that some transgender people enjoy their male side and therefore will never pursue living as women fulltime. But the reader thought my statement was ridiculous and wanted to publicly debate it. I wondered, how can what someone is feeling be wrong? Your feelings are your feelings, not undisputable truth. The reader scoffed as the statement I made that in our society living life as a man has certain advantages. I put these thoughts out there for readers to do as they wish. If it strikes a nerve and stimulates deeper thought on the issue that’s great, if not that’s fine too.

But in this case, I challenged his path, attacked the validity of his dreams, which brought out his hostility. I am a strong believer that nothing in this life is absolute and everything is subject to change – different strokes for different folks. Even things that I believe are true are still be subject to respectful debate, even by me. And although debate can be a healthy thing, I more often support the concept of exchanging idea, devoid of a right or wrong conclusion.

To be so pitted in one way of thought limits ones ability to see all the possibilities. But, you have to be comfortable with yourself to really be able to listen to the ideas of others without feeling challenged. My goal in writing has always been to pose questions, stimulate passionate ideas and open discussion. However, in this case, it seems that open discussion was not on the menu – the grill was too hot. Still, if by allowing readers to project there fears and angers upon me they find eventually take stock in themselves and find a sense of clarity, I say, take aim and fire away.   

 As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.
Brianna Austin  

1. Start a discussion or make a comment about this editorial at the message boards.
2. Email Me. (Please note if you choose to remain anonymous.)

© 2004 - Brianna Austin - All Rights reserved