By Brianna Austin
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By Brianna Austin
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Many
of us have fantasized about becoming a woman; waking everyday with silky
smooth legs & curvaceous bodies. Walking in high heels, wearing
makeup, garter-belts, and stockings and blending in.
Enjoying our feminine self without any hecklers or unwanted
remarks. For some this is more than fantasy, it is a life long objective
just within reach. There
are so many t-sisters out there searching for happiness convinced that
they would find it in womanhood. For a very few, some who are truly
transsexuals – woman trapped in a man’s body, they do find happiness.
For too many others it was but an empty illusion. As cross dressers we
experience such joy in the female role that some seek that joy all the
time. But one must recognize the illusion they experience. When we put on
our frocks and frills and step out in our high heels (or stay in), we
enjoy the magic of that moment. But
it is just that – a moment. For a fleeting second in time we have found
our own utopia, but can the experience really be sustained? First off,
many of us do not dress because we are displaced women in a man’s body.
Dressing provides an escape from something; whether it is an over
bearing mother, father or wife, a release of the pressures of ones job, an
ability to express a part of one’s self more comfortably through a
female persona, sexual gratification or any other of dozens of
descriptions. What am I saying? I am saying that it is great in a limited
space of time, but everyday? Many cross dressers would not find happiness
in that. Personally I had the opportunity to work four days a week in drag
(if I choose) and my friends were envious.
That is great they thought. Do you know how many days I actually
did dress for work? Maybe once a week, more than that became the actual life of a
woman. Keep in mind that I am a cross dresser, I am not going through
transition, though I had often fantasized about dressing every day.
Sometimes the grass isn’t greener baby. I still have days that I am
thrilled to be out and about as Brianna, because I like being her very
much. But, my point is that she is a part of me, not all of me. The more
time I spend as her, the more I realize how much I actually like being me
as well, and the male me started to invade the female space. The more we
see the more confusing it gets. When
many men dress they leave the problems of life with their male identity
and escape into the wonderful carefree life of womanhood, and it can be
delicious. However, when you seek to be a woman all the time, you re-enter
back into the real world. Your previous problems, from which you were
trying to escape, are no longer escapable as a full time woman. Moreover,
the problems are still there except your have to now deal with them as a
woman, which is not an easy task. I have had so many men say to me “I am
so relaxed as a woman”. I think they are relaxed because they have
escaped the day to day grind and pressure of life, don’t you think? Many
CD’s when they are in their “I have to dress” frame of mind can’t
think of anything else. They will put off important issues until they are
done, an hour – a day or a week later, knowing that they will return to
the issues at hand when they are fulfilled – many times they return
filling renewed and refreshed. But if you were living as a woman, you
could not put these things off, they would be part of your life and have
to be dealt with eventually. Not
only does transition mean dealing with life “as” a woman; it means
experiencing life “not” as a man. Many of the benefits of being a man
will disappear, and there are many benefits in this society to being a man
I assure you. I am not trying to prevent anyone from pursuing their dream
of transition or full time Transvestitism, I am simply saying
- STOP – think about transition and make sure you have thought it
through. Despite the politically correct assumption that all things are
equal, for woman they are not. But a woman has been practicing her
assimilation into society all her life – from childhood through the
teenage years right into adulthood. She has been prepared to live in
society as a woman, learning her strengths and weaknesses, the advantages
and setbacks to being a woman - you
have not. A man who was used to certain access, attention and respect may
be very frustrated by the new lack of it. Many trannies say to me “I get
so much attention as a girl, more than I ever did as a man”. Honey that
is sideshow attention, you are the spectacle, the organ grinder monkey.
The monkey gets lots of attention – what does that really mean? Would
you get more attention and respect at work, getting a loan, making a
business deal, or is it only at the tranny bar? Give that some real honest
thought. In 1985 I had a dear
friend, she was called the International Chrysis. She was tall, feminine
and beautiful ala Rita Hayworth. She was a bombshell who was very
comfortable in her gay sexual orientation, unlike many cross dressers who
have internal struggles over whether they are gay, BI or heterosexual. She
had started hormones at the age of 16 and now 18 years later with an
hourglass figure and 38-C breasts questioned her decision. I spent many
nights with her as she cried saying “what have I done, I am a
monster”. When I asked what she meant she said, “I should have just
been a gay man”. I was stunned. How could this be? She was beautiful,
feminine and had no question about her sexuality - she liked men. She was
a natural candidate to be TS, all except for one thing – she was not a
woman inside, she was a man. People assume that everybody fits into a
clear mold based on certain factors, I certainly did. Though Chrysis did
get past the frustration, she struggled with life as a woman spending most
of her time androgynous in her hairstyle and clothing. Only during a night
out, or doing a show did she portray the illusion of a woman, and even
then referred to her makeup and wig as drag. “Let me get out of this
drag” she would say at the end of the night. It was only a year or so
before her death that she let her hair grow and began to accept and
portray the role of a woman. She even landed a speaking part in the movie
Q & A with Nick Nolte shortly before her untimely death in the late
1980’s. A current friend is on a fast track to transition; the hormones
are flowing, breasts are growing, skin softening and surgery is being
planned. When she is complete - does that make her a woman? She still
reacts like a man, has the temperament of a man, thinks like a man and has
the libido of a man. So with the body of a woman what is she? I conclude
she is still a man. My very dear friend Teryl-Lynn Fox (the former Miss
Gay Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee Continental USA, Miss Clique
Magazine USA and countless other titles), who has been living as a woman
for over twenty years, said it best. “Womanhood is something you have to
grow into, it is not something you just become. It is a journey that
evolves – changing continually”. Teryl-Lynn is one of the few happy
and well-adjusted Transsexuals I referred to in the beginning of this
article. Many of my other friends struggle for a sense of understanding.
Is my current friend a gay man looking for validation? Does she think in
her mind that to be with a man would be O.K. if she were a woman?
Sexuality plays a huge underlying role in the lives of many cross
dressers. Another friend once told me “I am not gay, I am only with men
when I am dressed up”. “Does the dress make a difference” I asked?
To him it apparently does. This is not to portray that all cross
dressers are confused about their sexual orientation, because there are
many that are very comfortable in their heterosexual orientation. But then
that would make them lesbians wouldn’t it? On second thought,
that is another article all together. “Your
body is the taxi that carries YOU around” I once wrote.
Who you are is what this article is all about, inside you, your
heart, your spirit and your soul. Don’t rush off in hope that transition
will make your life better, find out who you are first. When you get in
touch with that, then, and only then are you ready to deal with a life
altering decision. If you have the spirit of a woman and really want to bring your body in line with “you”, which you believe in your very bones should have been a woman, then transition makes sense, but absolutely anything less is a tempting but empty fantasy. As
always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.
© 2004 - Brianna Austin - All Rights reserved |
Becoming A Woman