By Brianna Austin
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Boxes|
Fear can singularly
be the most debilitating emotion we as humans experience. And, to bare
one’s soul may be the most frightening of all human endeavors. Fear is
instinctive. We sense it when we are in immediate danger. But what about
long term danger, do we sense that? For most of my 47 years, my life was
molded by a quiet, undetectable force of expectation – both my own and
others. Are the goals we strive for really our own? How do we know? And,
what if you dream of what your life should be, only to wake up one day to
find out that what you’re living is not it? Can you change who you are,
should you? I’ve been transgender
since - well, long before I
ever knew what that meant. Slowly, I’ve come to learn what certain
meanings represented, only to realize that being transgender means much
more than the box people tried to get me into. After a lifetime of
internal conflict, I began to recognize certain truths that were about to
change my life in profound ways. Like many, my wanting to experience
“being” a girl, was overwhelming – compulsive, a need I had to
fulfill. The word “compulsive,” conjures up images of someone out of
control. It screams of Anthony Perkins in psycho: a schizophrenic who
can’t control the demons within. But the truth is, for most of my life
crossdressing was compulsive. But, rather than releasing the raging demon
within, it brought out a fun-loving, happy, free spirit, and I found a
sense of balance in the process. The “box” that the media built,
didn’t represent me. In more recent years I transcended the act of
dressing and simply lived how I felt from day to day, androgynous much of
the time. After decades of repeat
and purge, I first began to actually think about and understand elements
of what I was struggling with. The fear had subsided, and with it came a
clarity that was just as overwhelming as crossdressing at an early age
was. Over the years four questions kept coming to mind: 1)
What would it be like to be a girl, 2)
Could I become a girl, 3)
Would I prefer to be a girl, and 4)
Should I be a girl For a group of people (TGs)
that don’t completely understand themselves, it would be almost
impossible for outsiders to accurately identify and define the varied
characteristics from one group to another. But yet, they try. I referred
to myself for years as a drag queen, ignorant of what that really meant,
and that the label was inaccurate. As we entered the new millennium, there
are now so many boxes to choose from: transvestite, drag queen,
crossdresser, she-male, transsexual, t-girl, and the all-inclusive
transgender. Boxes, boxes and more boxes - are any of them accurate? They
seem to be a double-edged sword. For some they serve as a beacon of light
to lost souls in search of a safe haven of like-minded individuals, while
at the same time they divide, isolate and confuse others. I was in Boston,
covering the Tiffany Club’s First Event Convention, when I became
engaged in conversation with a young, handsome and outgoing F > M
transsexual named Robbie. I learned that Robbie avoided discussions about
sports with other F > M transsexuals. He never liked sports growing up,
yet all the transsexuals he knew, did.
“Maybe I don’t fit into this group,” he thought – because
the description on the box didn’t fit. It would be logical that many M
> F transgenders (a catch all name) experience this as well. They want
to belong somewhere, and if the group has a slightly different identity,
they disguise or hide it. How sad is it that people can come out, only to
still be in hiding. Do you have the courage
to pursue who you should be, rather than who you could be?
Knowing who you want to be, and who you should be, are not necessarily the
same thing. That distinction may reveal itself in the final leg of the
discovery journey. But in finding yourself, you have to consider many
things. I once gave a piece of advise to my friend’s daughter, who was
just entering NYU as a freshman. I told her, “Find your passion – that
in which you enjoy the process as much as the result. Then, find the core
of who you are and fulfill your life outward from there.” U Thant,
co-founder of the United Nations, was once quoted as saying, “You
can’t know how you want to live your life until you know how you want to
be remembered.” So, how do
you want to be remembered? In trying to discover
who you are and what you’re about, are boxes helpful, or do they pigeon
hole us in the eyes of the mainstream, and each other? Feel free to write
me and let me know what you think. As
always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.
© 2004 - Brianna Austin - All Rights reserved |