The Gay Bar Survival Guide

o you are thinking about getting all dressed up to attend your first bar? "Where should I go you may be thinking?" Gay bars, that’s the ticket you tell yourself. I don’t know why cross dressers are drawn to gay bars like flies to honey. I too am among those who in my early excursions frequented gay bars. Could it be that we are looking for a spot where we feel no one from our boy life will see us - a place to hide out, or perhaps there is some myth of the sweet, docile and caring gay man image that attracts us.

Like most social groups, be it religious, cultural etc., there are always different personality types inside “like” communities, be it good, bad, or indifferent. In the gay community however, you can sometimes find the additional traits of pretentious, catty and downright mean (which is not to say you can't also find kind, loving and fun).

Of course there are many of us TG’s that in fact are gay, so we try to ride two horses. Sort of like a mulatto (one parent white and one black) who are members of both racial groups yet don’t really fit into either. For me as a gay TG, it took many years for my gay friends to stop associating me as “different” from them.

And just as varied as gay men can be, so too are the clubs they occupy - don’t assume all gay bars are the same, they’re not. There are many types of gay men, and therefore many types of gay bars and clubs. It is important to understand that gay men do not really understand the Transgender girl. To them a man in a dress is a drag queen pure and simple. And a drag queen is supposed to be glamorous and have a bigger-than-life look with lots of glamour, glitter and sparkle. If you are aware of some very basic points and do a little homework, you may indeed have a very pleasant gay club experience.

Here are a few tips:

1) Do your homework, ask around to find a gay bar whose crowd is easygoing and accepting. There are some gay bars where the men are very pretentious and elitist - not a good choice for a TG. A muscle bar or leather bar is not a good choice either. Try to find a local neighborhood bar like East Of Eighth in NYC, or an open piano such as Maria’s Crisis or the Monster (which also has a dance floor downstairs).

2) Have confidence in yourself, gay men can smell fear like animals in the wild. Don’t be afraid of who you are, and by all means don’t be afraid of being read - after all you are in fact a man, so what if people figure it out.

3) Regardless of whether your outfit is classic, sluttish, conservative etc - make sure that it is together - that there’s a complete look - gay men are VERY fashion conscious.

4) If a gay man says, “You look nice,” with a sly smile - he is actually making fun of you. If he says “Honey, you are fierce,” that’s a compliment.

5) It is always a good idea to bring at least one friend, but no more than three.

6) NEVER invade a gay bar with a large group. You can wear out your welcome real fast. A crossdresser can be accepted and sometimes even appreciated in a gay bar, but when you invade there space it no longer has the atmosphere of a gay bar - and they may not be as inviting next time you show up in a small group.

It is a good rule of thumb that in the early days of dressing in public you spend your time at the TG parties, events and support groups (in NYC: The Saturday night Silver Swan party, CDI social group or Femme Fever on Long Island). This allows you a safe place to experiment with fashion, mannerisms and confidence - a chance to interact with people in your femme persona and find your own comfort zone. Listen to criticism, don’t get upset - learn from it. Once you are feeling good about yourself, then stepping out beyond the barriers of the TG world can be an exciting and very rewarding experience.

As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.
Brianna Austin

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