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he Second Precept (from Buddha's Precepts of
the Order of Inner-being) "Do not think that knowledge you
presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and
bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to
be open to receive other's viewpoints. Truth is found in life not merely in
conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to
observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times". How many times have you done something as a
pure reaction? A few times, many times maybe, all your life? We, the transgender
community, have done that most of our life. We lived a masquerade, hiding from
the world and hiding from ourselves. We go through certain motions, never really
knowing why. Well, for those who slowly (or quickly in some cases) arrive at an
orgasm after dressing up, obviously do it because it feels good -- or perhaps
even great. Is the sexual release the motivation? I
wonder? For some the shame then kicks in, and the whole thing is forgotten until
the next episode. And around we go again. The urge takes control, and you simply
have to submit. The tranny admirer, that guy who looks straight enough (who
might even have a wife or girlfriend at home), goes through a circle as well. He
gets an urge. However he does not dress up to relieve it, he gets no kick from
dressing as a woman. He would rather find a T-Girl and relieve his urge
sexually, sometimes giving, sometimes receiving. And interestingly enough he
does not consider that gay or bi sex. Then again, in some cases, neither do the
T-girls. For the T-Girl she “feels” like a woman, and to the admirer she
“looks” like a woman. By morning the admirer has forgotten the whole thing.
Until of course its time to do it again, in a week, a month or year from now.
And for those of us who let them, we continue the circle. "Play It Again
Sam-antha". is the matter with you, this is
ridiculous”. At one point, I
can’t recall exactly when, it was not the sexual release that pushed me any
longer. Rather, it was the inner feelings that were developing - or at least
starting to being noticed, now moving me. There was a sense of this is who I am,
a comfort or easiness in being (or pretending to be) woman. I was starting to
like my fem self for who SHE was, not just the thrill of dressing up. She was
me, but with pieces of a fragmented personality uniquely her own. I started to live in that moment, en femme,
and recognize the experience of the she in me. I was crazy with the wanting to
be woman sometimes. Overwhelmed in fact. Then, it was over - I was a guy again,
feeling butch and ready to take on the world. I would flip back and forth, and
on any given day truly wanted to be the one gender or the other. And in either
mode, at that moment, I had a conviction to that gender identity. Today I truly enjoy experiencing my feminine
self. However I like the boy in me also, at times. I guess I am trying to find
the balance that works for me. Ultimately, the question of WHY on my mind
this week is a different WHY than I asked several weeks ago. Last time the why
was linked to an event that perhaps triggered the first time: the acts and
role-playing in each of us that began in youth and continued into adult life.
Such a trigger might have been a childhood rape, an innocent dress up game,
mommy wanting a little girl, etc. Of course there is also those that have
"the gene," and for them there may not be any childhood experience
that motivated them, they may have just been born that way. ourselves of? Was the "truth"
convenient at that time in our lives that we thought of it? If you thought this
column was going to give you answers.....eeeehhhhh, wrong. It is simply going to
bring up more questions, or at least ideas for thought. Maybe you and the
"girls" can discuss it over tea? Don't be afraid to explore new
thoughts, new ideas. We as a group have been shunned as
"confused" or the butt of a light hearted "side show" joke
by society. There is always that one snicker or pointing finger from a stranger
on the street. People around us don't understand that our choices can sometimes
be maddening. Unlike the drug user who has a physical addiction to a substance,
we are conflicted with ourselves. A drug user can stay away from the substance,
but how do we stay away from ourselves? We have an addiction to our hidden
personality, part of who we are. No different than the child who is locked in
the closet. Part of us is dying and screaming for life, HEY LET ME OUT, I
CAN"T BREATH IN HERE. How can letting your personality out, part of who you
are be a bad thing? Yet we are conditioned our whole life to believe just that.
"It is not acceptable for a boy to act like that," one might say.
After a lifetime of hiding my inner personality, from others and myself, it is
not hard to understand why transgender people are disconnected from the world
around them. Like Pippen said (from the play of the same name) "why do I
feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?" The answer is that we never fit,
because we never interacted as "whole and complete" human beings. We
were never at peace with ourselves. I myself am just starting to understand that.
I was playacting so long I forgot who I was, or maybe never fully developed who
I was. And through the confused mix of personalities, a blur occurred and I lost
myself in the process. Have you ever been in public and let a
feminine mannerism slip? If you are a masculine guy in your everyday life you
gasp, "did anyone see?" So you spend a lifetime protecting the side of
you, the secret side of you that no one knows about. And “they can never
know,” you tell yourself. We become actors. We conceal and manipulate the
truth, all to protect that piece of us that lies ever vulnerable, just under the
surface. After all, you are protecting a part of yourself, which cannot protect
itself, like a parent protecting their infant child. Although people in general may not realize
how much of a struggle it is for an addict - mentally, physically and
emotionally, they seem to understand it is hard and can at least have sympathy
for them. Not that transgender people anyone necessarily need or wants pity, but
understanding would be acceptable. With the transgender, people just don't get
it. Even gay men don't get it. I said to one gay man who was fascinated by the
whole thing "if you don't get it, you never will." I myself have never
had any success explaining it in a way that someone says, "oh, yeah I
understand." As some of us get older we simply don't care
so much what people think anymore. Many times I will dress a little androgynous,
or have my nails long and painted from the night before and simply don't care.
People look, but usually don't say anything. Sometimes girls will admire your
nails or belt or whatever (much to the dismay of their boyfriends) and even with
the girl’s enthusiasm, you’re still someone on the fringe of society, not
really part of it. You remain the curiosity or
distain of many. Even within the gay community sometimes you
are outcast. How can that be? Shouldn't we be supportive of each other? How can
a community so shunned by society now shun factions from within its own
community? Gay men allowed, unless you are wearing a dress? Sorry, I am straying
a bit. And drag queens are not bitchy!!!!!!!! Ha-ha, just kidding. GGGRRR. And
by the way, there are many cross-dressers that are heterosexual, not everybody
is gay. I think that who ever you are, is who you
should be. Safe to say there are many who have had environmental stimulus that
motivates them to cross-dress. There are others for whom it is simply part of
who they are. Don't be afraid to find out who you are, and what motivates you.
Your reasons last year may have changed this year. You may be going through the
motions for so long that it has become comfortable to continue, and yet you may
not need to or really want to cross-dress any longer. Look in the mirror and ask
yourself "what is the highest reflection of myself that I want to be, and
then strive to be that". U-Thant said "you can not truly know who you
want to be in this life, until you know how you want to be remembered". So
I ask you - how do you want to be remembered?" As
always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.
© 2004 - Brianna Austin - All Rights reserved |