By Brianna Austin
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Following The Signs|
Most of us seem to
have begun the gender discovery journey down the same path. Along the way
we rejoice that first day when we realize that there are others in the
world just like us: we're not alone! Yet in large numbers, it also becomes
more apparent that "they" are sometimes “not the same as
me.” Like most things in life, there are varieties to everything,
even transgender people. So while the mainstream can barely comprehend us
as a single group, it would scare the hell of them to know that there are
many branches to the gender tree. So, how can one know who they are
or where they fit on that tree? First, it is important to understand
that you don't have to "be" any certain way, or fit into any
certain space. Unfortunately, most people, both in and outside the
community get lost if the box we supposedly belong to isn't outlined in
chalk. My own journey has taken me from one end of the gender spectrum to
the other, in and out of various boxes,
and for me, although the discovery part of the journey was difficult, the
knowing part was harder. What I mean by that
is that once you find the answers to the questions you seek, there is no
more exploration needed; only for you to make a decision on how to live
the rest of your life based upon that which you have come to know.
If the gender journey was a highway we would all recognize many of
the stops; “fetish lane,” “Cross Dresser Ave.” “Gender Fluid
Parkway,” and Transsexual Road.”
And although I got off at the last exit, the gender journey isn’t
really a roadway at all; it’s a maze, that when you first enter
doesn’t appear to have any clear directional signs. But when you look at
the obvious from a slightly tilted perspective, you begin to see things
you walked right past at an earlier time. You may be able to make some
distinctions based upon what you like to do, but that doesn’t
necessarily represent who you are. Discovering who you are is a deeper
journey, one that you may or many not want to make.
Discovering who you “are” is complicated by the fact that the
lines are blurred and at the same time you often are also trying to
untangle your sexual orientation as well. “Am I a straight man that likes to cross dress, a gay man
in denial, a lesbian, or am I attracted to men because I’m a straight
woman”? There are as many
combinations as there is imagination, and the deeper you go the more
complicated it becomes. So,
one might ask, “How do I find my way”? Since we emulate --
or in some cases feel we are – woman, we should follow their example.
When they find themselves in an unfamiliar place they simply ask
directions and then follow the posted signs.
Throughout the maze there are many people to talk to, and signs to
follow. But, like any one
taking a survey can attest to, the answers you get are only as good as the
questions you ask. Some people aren’t
really looking for the truth of them, but rather are looking to validate
the fantasy they’re chasing. If
you are not open to the truth of who you are and not willing to go where
ever that path leads, then odds are you won’t see any of the signs along
the way. But, if you are
open, then there are signs everywhere.
No doubt most of you have had, or thought about having, sex with
men. Of those that do, many
will state that they only enjoy men “as a woman,” therefore they are
straight. Sometimes people
can get so caught up in the label being “straight,” or “gay” that
the miss the substance, and significance of what any of it means. If you are engaging in sexual activity, then you should be
asking yourself what it is that you’re enjoying about it. Are you trying
to “feel” more female by emulating what woman do?
Are you enjoying the sexual act – detached from the role it
represents? Have you engaged in sexual activity with a woman when you were
emulating one? And if not, why? And if so, then why do you need or want to
have sex with men? Other thoughts would
include analyzing your attraction to woman. Do you want to be with them in
a lustful way, or do they simply catch your eye and make you feel fuzzy
inside because you appreciate and want to be them? Surprisingly,
differentiating between the two is not as easy as it sounds.
When you are in a relationship with a woman, do you find yourself
critiquing her? Always checking out her clothes, her movements, or her
physical attributes: face, lips, legs, rear or shoulders?
Perhaps you are living vicariously through her, because in some way
she is who you believe you are (as a woman) or want to be. These are questions that can last for years, and require repeated investigation to find an answer. But many times getting to the core of your sexual orientation can actually help you determine your gender identity. When you concentrate your mind on one thing, often clarity can suddenly appear for another. When you finally do get all the answers about yourself, then you will be faced with, “What do I do about it? As
always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.
© 2004 - Brianna Austin - All Rights reserved |
ver
the past five years, not a day went by that I didn’t recognize and
evaluate my life as a TG. My most profound insights came from getting out
and intermingling with all types of people, gay, straight, trans, and
tourists – they deserve a category of their own, don’t they? Gaining
clarity is not solely from how people interact with us, but rather how we
interact with them - in our varying and various degrees of presentation.
Did I act or feel different with people, depending on whether I presented
myself as male or female? The observations aided me in learning about
“who I am,” as a person in general, and as a transgender person in
particular