By Brianna Austin
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By Brianna Austin
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Like most of you, as a kid I
wondered what it would be like to be a girl. Then, as I got a little older
I began to actually imagine I was a girl, vicariously living through the
images of sexy girls I would watch in TV. And thus began a life on the
hunt, never really knowing what I was looking for. Like the blind man I
relied on my senses, my instinct, to muddle through the maze of life,
never really knowing where the road would ultimately lead.
I rummaged though my sister’s closet whenever the opportunity
presented itself and indulged in the experimentation of being a girl, or
at least at that time dressing like one. By the time I was in my early
20’s, I had come to find out I was not alone, but also felt tremendous
guilt and embarrassment for who I was, or wanted to be - I was damaged
goods. I had been dressing up
for about 15 years, and had purged and restarted at least 5 times. Sound
familiar? But through marriage, children, career and madness I plunged ahead and kept exploring this part of me I didn’t understand, a voice that beckoned to me. By the time I was 43 years old, I had evolved into a full time transgender … person, 20% male, 40% female, and 40% of the time androgynous. My friend Tarren often remarked, “make up your mind, you’re confusing the tourists.” But I didn’t care. I was just as comfortable if people had mistaken me for a woman, a trans-woman, a man, a fag, or whatever label they had. After all, their comments only defined who they were - it never defined who I was. I had finally found inner-peace and a sense of balance in my life. People would ask who I was trying to be. “I am not “trying” to be anybody, I “am” simply who I am!” However, regardless of where I was in life, I always came back to four questions; 1) What would it be like to be a girl? 2) Could I become a girl? 3) Would I prefer to be a girl? And, 4) am I supposed be a girl? It was in Buenos Aires Argentina,
this past April, on vacation for some much-needed R & R, when
clarity hit me –“wham!” right in the face. I have been mingling with straight, gay and trans communities
for years, gaining different points of view and different perspectives
into the many colors of me. And not solely by the way people interacted
with me, but also by how I interacted with them in the varying degrees of
how I presented myself. The sun was rising, in what was now the end of
summer in Argentina, and just as clear as I could see the sun move across
our veranda, I too could also see the answers that eluded me my whole
life. There was nothing special about this morning versus any other. Right
from the beginning question number (1) “what would it be like to be a
girl?” seemed to be an ongoing quest, always calling to me to expand the
“girl” experience one night longer, one neighborhood farther. And what
had begun as a compulsion I didn’t, or couldn’t understand, was now an
experience I bathed in. Question “2” was becoming increasingly more
evident to me as time went by, and I now knew that if I choose to make the
commitment, involving alterations through surgery and hormones, I could in
fact become a girl. But it
wasn’t until this morning that for the first time I could say, given the
choice, “I would prefer to be a girl.” I could always see myself
comfortably living a girl’s life full time, but for the first time
realized I would prefer it. Maybe it seems trite to some of
you who scream for the opportunity to be a full-time TG, and say you would
grab that opportunity if it were available to you. But would you really?
Most CDs I come into contact with say they would do so in a heartbeat.
But, they can’t seem to make it work in their life for one reason or
another, so they find contentment in a part-time womanhood whenever
possible. Maybe their reasons are legit, maybe they’re just excuses, but
ultimately they don’t have to really face the choice. With the new clarity of what I would prefer to be and the
“compulsion” of crossdressing years behind me, I made the drastic
decision, and found the courage to transition back into a full-time man
and ponder what life has shown me thus far.
I pursued this “female me” which felt liberating, comfortable,
unguarded - like a soft comfortable sweater that kept me warm. But was
that because I was truly a woman lost in a man’s body? Or was I a man
lost in a man’s body? All these new realizations and questions prompted
me to revert back to my former article in TGF “Knowledge From The
Experience,” and wonder. The pure enjoyment of being a woman is still,
and probably will always be, ever-present, woven into the fabric of my
soul. I still get a surge of female emotions from time to time that tickle
me at the oddest of moments. Still very female inside, I am now
experimenting with expressing myself outwardly in a blended way that is
true with who I am while at the same time true to how I was born. Do I
subconsciously alter my actions to fit my new presentation?
For me, this is where the real insight begins. People wonder if I simply got cold feet in the face of a major decision They wondered if reality shocked me back into the closet, asking me, “are you trying to go cold turkey and quit,” as if this was a bad habit I was trying to shake. I moved beyond the days of purging and discounting the truth of who I am back in the early 1990s. My decision to transition back to the life of a guy is rooted deeper in the road of exploration that I began so many years ago. I have reached a fork in that road and need to know where it leads. Inquires from around the country
surprised me; I never expected word to travel so far so fast. In response,
all I can say is that the path is sometimes long and crooked, and this is
where I am on it, at this time. At the same time, people are shocked to
find out that I am still just as likely to become a full-time TG-women as
I am to stay a full-time man. So when I hear “you haven’t been dressed for some time, aren’t you one of us anymore?” I borrow a line from my friend Alice Novic’s upcoming book Go Ask Alice, Memoirs of a Cross Dresser, and tell them “you can choose whether or not to crossdress, but you can’t choose whether or not your are a crossdresser.” I will always be trans regardless of what I wear, and the truth in that statement was clear when I was recently told, “you know Brie, other than the clothes – you’re really the same person.” By Georgiana, I think they’ve got it! As
always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.
© 2004 - Brianna Austin - All Rights reserved |
I Am Who I Am