The second precept from Precepts of the Order of Inner-being (Buddha) says "Do not think that knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive other's viewpoints. Truth is found in life not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times".

How many times have you done something as a pure reaction? We -- the transgender community -- have done that most of our life. We lived (and some still are living) a masquerade, hiding part of ourselves from the world and ourselves. We go through certain motions never really knowing why. Well, for those who slowly (or quickly in some cases) arrive at an orgasm after dressing up, they obviously do it because it feels good -- or perhaps even great.

Is the sexual release the motivation? For some it may be, and for others its not. And just to confuse things more, for some it is a sexual release and yet that is not the true motivaton of their actions. Regardless, for many shame then kicks in, and the whole thing is forgotten until the next episode. And around we go again. The urge takes control and you simply have to submit. 

The tranny admirer, that guy who looks straight enough (who might even have a wife or girlfriend at home) goes through a circle as well. He gets an urge. However he does not dress up to relieve it; he gets no kick from dressing as a woman. He would rather find a T-Girl and relieve his urge sexually, sometimes giving, sometimes receiving. And interestingly enough he does not consider that gay or bi sex. Then again, in some cases, neither does the T-girl. For the T-Girl she “feels” like a woman, and to the admirer she “looks” like a woman. By morning the admirer has forgotten the whole thing. Until of course its time to do it again, in a week, a month or year from now. And for those of us who let them, we continue the circle too. So, "Play It Again Sam-antha."

Most of my life I found the sexual urge to be the driving force behind my dressing up, leaving me feeling ashamed after the orgasm. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “what the hell is with me, this is ridiculous”.  But after I began to really explore myself, and the actions I engaged in, did the sexual release cease to motivate me. Suddenly I was in touch with inner feelings moving through me that were developing - or at least starting to being noticed. There was a sense of this is who I am, a comfort or easiness in being (or at least presenting) the woman within. I was starting to like her for who SHE was. She was me, but with pieces of a personality uniquely her own.

I started to live in that moment, en femme, and recognize the experience of the she in me. I was crazy with wanting to be woman sometimes. Overwhelmed in fact. Then, it was over - I was a guy again, feeling butch and ready to take on the world. I would flip back and forth and on any given day truly comfortable being whatever gender I was presenting. And in either mode, at that moment, I had a conviction to that gender identity. 

Ultimately, the question of WHY on my mind this week is a different WHY than I asked several weeks ago. Last time the why was linked to an event that perhaps triggered the first time: the acts and role-playing in each of us that began in youth and continued into adult life. Such a trigger might have been a childhood rape, an innocent dress up game, mommy wanting a little girl, etc. Of course there is also the hormone wash theory; that if in the womb the brain was simply wired female.

This week the question is geared more towards the physical ACTion and REACTion and what prompts them in our adult life. In other words, is dressing up simply a REACTion to relieve pressures at work or home? Do we need to blow off steam by putting on a dress and letting our emotions run free? Are we gay and not able to come to grips with it? Or do we simply choose to enjoy the feminine side of our personality unable to do it in male clothes? By looking at the circumstance before it occurs you may get insight as to WHY it occurs. "Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth". Have we gotten comfortable in the routine? 

If you thought this column was going to give you answers.....eeeehhhhh, wrong. It is simply going to bring up more questions, or at least ideas for thought. Maybe you and the "girls" can discuss it over tea? 

"It is not acceptable for a boy to act like that," we're told. After a lifetime of hiding my inner personality from others and myself, it is not hard to understand why transgender people are disconnected from the world around them. Like Pippen from the play of the same name sang, "why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?" The answer is that we never did fit because we never interacted as "whole and complete" human beings. 

It took along time for me to understand that. I was play acting so long, adhering to someone's else's script that I forgot -- or maybe never fully developed -- who I was.

I think that who ever you are is who you should be. Safe to say there are many who have had environmental stimulus that motivates them to cross-dress. There are others for whom it is simply part of who they are. Don't be afraid to find out what motivates you. Your reasons last year may have changed this year. You may be going through the motions for so long that it has become comfortable to continue, and yet the motivations in your life may have changes without you noticing.  

“Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times". Your truth from yesterday may change with a new discovery tomorrow. Find yourself by searching without the fear of what you will find. Never being afraid to change yourself or to change your point of view. Vicor Hug once said, "Change your opinions, keep to your principles; change your leaves, keep intact your roots."

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