Given the Opportunity, Would You Take a Pill That Would Remove Your TG Desires?
So there I was, having another Margarita at East of Eighth, when Alicia asked, “so if I go fulltime for a while like you did, will I come out the other side no longer wanting to dress? The question caught me off guard, but my mind immediately recalled a question I read some 20 years earlier. “If you could take a pill that would take away your desire to cross-dress, would you?”
Most of the people I have since recited that question to almost always – without hesitation – reply, “of course not!” Its hard to understand why any of us would choose this conflict if we had a choice, but then again, the overwhelming and somewhat compulsive nature of cross-dressing can at times be quite delicious. There were plenty of times over the past
decade however that I thought “hell yes” I would take the pill.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved living as Brianna, and did so proudly. Labels mattered little to me, so whether I was a trans-woman, a man in a dress or an androgynous creature defying the box people wanted to put me into, it was all good by me. At the same time, there were times I didn’t like living in between.
Suddenly, here was a friend who was also asking, “where is the pill,” and thought perhaps through my experiences, which led me back to an all male life, she could find it. Much of my evolution followed the standard storyline. And, once I broke down the closet door there was nowhere off limits to me. I challenged the status quo every chance I got, and more times than not, made new friends. I thirsted for understanding and explored the depths of who I was becoming, or maybe who I was. I was truly engaged and enjoying a girl’s life, even if I didn’t have all the body parts to back it up … yet.
In the spring of 2003 everything changed. I reversed course right when everyone thought I was gearing up to make the big plunge into surgically adjusted womanhood. Quite frankly, I was surprised too. But this wasn’t a purge, a desperate attempt to rid myself of this “thing” I could not explain or control. This was a choice, a calm decisive choice. After a lifetime of living a girls life, first in my mind and then in reality, I was always searching for answers to those four elusive questions; What would it be like to be a girl, Could I become a girl, Would I prefer to be a girl, and, Should I become a girl.
On no particularly special day, I realized that not only could I live a happy life as a girl, but given the choice, I would prefer it. Suddenly, the need to act it out no longer existed. So I stopped. As of this writing (Spring 2005) I have been living as a full time male for 15 months -- except for the Night Of A Thousand Gowns 2004 – which was more androgynous than girl. But at that time, it had only been six months. Still, Alicia wanted to know if she followed in my footsteps was there a pill along the road I traveled that would take her to where I am now?
Since the first day I began living as a full time male, I have always said, “nothing is for certain and everything is subject to change: this is simply the place I am at at this point in time.” But this new “experiment,” as I refer to it, has revealed some very surprising things about the girl in me, who, as I have also said before, never left. Of course what those things are, and what I choose to do it about it – if anything – are the topic of a different article all together.
Everything iisn life a choice, your choice. We like to say "I have no choice," but that's not really true. It can be argued that that in making a choice in one way or the other will bring unhappiness, sometimes severe unhappiness, so therefore there is no choice. However, the choice does exist, and no one should feel ashamed of the choices they make. Life is a journey with many experiences. What those experiences are only you can decide. You have to weigh out the pros and cons of each option and go from there. Everything you do in your life is “your” choice, and whatever happens to you in your life stems from the choices you make: don't lay the burden of your life on anyone else. For me, my girl’s life was one of the best choices I ever made.
So, Alicia, listen to the voice in your head and go with your instinct, trust it, because it is seldom wrong. They say that choosing the right path is easy, knowing the right path is hard. But once it reveals itself, you are compelled to do it.Sometimes finding your way may not be by asking, but rather listening.
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