I was horrified and stood in front of the door as she tried to get back in to show me off. I went into the closet and stayed there for the next 25 years. During those early years I would rummage through my sister's closet when she wasn't home. I would try on everything, and in time found my favorite wardrobes. I would fantasize about being a girl often. By the age of 12, and for the next year or two, her shoes, dresses etc. - all a perfect fit. I began to experiment with makeup and perfume by the age of 16.

But as I entered high school I had developed into a rather athletic guy, making transformations very dramatic, but also difficult. Through the college years and the few that followed, I didn't indulge in dressing much. After all, building the man to fulfill all those expectations took a lot of effort. But, whether the expectations were those of others or myself remains unclear.

But all along, even as a kid I always wondered about the same four things; 1) What would it be like to be a girl? 2) Could I become a girl? 3) Would I prefer to be a girl? And, 4) am I supposed be a girl?

I often thought it was just a phase. Well into my 20's I started buying my own wardrobe and then purging it, seeing how I thought it was all over each time. It was always the last time I thought. Eventually you come to realize that it always comes back because it is part of who you are, not just some wicked thins that you do. In the 1980's I found Lee's Mardi Gras, and thought  "WOW, I'm not alone!!! Lee and I became friends and it was through her that I met the transsexual cabaret singer Chrysis International (R.I.P.), who helped me so much, and became a special friend to me. Tish was also a sweetheart, though I only knew her from chatting at the Greenwich Pub.  Lee's party at the Palms was my first social event. Prior to that it was just lurking around dark places in the city. I even stumbled into Hellfire one night, which is another story all together. But, I needed to get out, so whether it was gay bars or Lee's parties, I started to explore the female that dwelled inside me.

In 2000 Brianna was born, and she burst onto the trans scene like a whirling dervish. I formed the Girls Club in 2001, and led the girls on many an adventure around NYC -- whether in the trans, gay , or mainstream community. I began doing a lot of soul searching, to discover not only answers to my being transgender, but the very basic question -- "Who am I" as a person.

So for the next three years I did just that. I evolved, and by the spring of 2002 my roommate watched me metamorphosis until one day he asked, "So, are you a girl now?" I laughed, and said, "I'm not a girl, no ... I'm just living a girls life." Although most people knew I was physically a guy, certain days others weren't quite sure. Thus began my "gender fluid" stage, where I would let people take me as they will. I spent many days androgynous. A friend commented, "Make up your mind you're confusing the tourists!" The exploration continues.

I co-founded and hosted the largest trans party in NYC in 2001, and  began writing for Girl Talk Magazine (A column entitled "A Bite Of The Big Apple") which led to writing assignments at other magazines, both trans and not. 

I enjoyed going out with friends dancing at clubs, which we (the Girls Club) did every week from the spring of 2001 until summer of 2002.  I sort of burned out of the club scene after that and I began to discover quieter nights at dinner, Jazz clubs or the movies. I spent a lot of time at the gay clubs. I had been going there on and off for 20 years. But now, I was starting to mingle, get to know people: I was no longer the crossdressing wall flower. At first they would say, "Oh, you're one of them, and I say reply, no, I'm one of you." They didn't quite get it right away, but in time I made, and to this day have, many friends in the gay community. It was from that experience that I wrote "Surviving the Gay Bar." I like gay men, and spent many a night at the piano bar uptown. Men at Trans bars seem to want sex, or want sex, or want sex. A fellow one night, after I told him no at a trans club ... about 6 times, finally said, "How about if we go to my car and not have sex, but I can just lay on top of you?" How appealing, but no thanks. Tranny chasers are a different breed altogether, which I touch upon in "Chasing Tranny."

For a time I actually considered myself gay, and sometimes still do. Though other times I just think I'm just a straight woman who wants to be a straight man. I took estrogen herbs over the years, and indulged in prescription estrogen until the spring of 2003 ("Truth Or Dare"). The estrogen has such a dramatic affect on how you think and feel, and the subject of yet another story.

As for my hobbies I love to dance, go to the park, I have a passion for music - film. I go to the movies quite a bit and watch Hollywood films and independents alike. I enjoy jazz clubs and dinning out: Chinese & Thai, American, Cajun, Italian, French and Mexican to name just a few. I really enjoy good company and conversation, spontaneous humor and quiet meditation.

Luckily, I have a few good friends from various backgrounds (men, woman, trans, gay, straight ), who all met me a, and know me as, Brianna. They take me as I am, which is all I think anybody can really ever hope for in this life. I may use the word "drag" and "drag queen" sometimes, which does not really fit most transgender people, or myself for that matter, but old habits die hard.

During a trip to Argentina in, 2003, I realized that I could definitely be happy living as a woman. Moreover, I would prefer it. At the same time -- in that moment of clarity -- I no longer needed to explore my girl experiences: I had the answers I had been searching for my whole life. But then a funny thing happened. I realized I didn't want to give up being a father, and maybe a grandfather some day. At the same time I began to wonder who I was as a man. Not the guy I pretended to be all those years, but the person living inside this shell, this taxi, that carries "me" around. Suddenly, I knew more about me as a woman then as a man, and needed to explore that a while.

So, I did something that surprised everyone who knew me. It surprised me too. I decided to revert back to a guy 24/7, and experience being a man. It will probably be the first "real" experience of being a man that I have ever had. I was so conflicted my whole life that I never actually experienced being a man, just acting like one. So, that it where I am on the gender highway. I tell people that gender is not what you are, it's "where your at." 

I continue to explore the depths of my mind and heart to understand how and why I identify as a woman. And for tomorrow, ??

Want to still know more about me? Check out my Bio and Photo Gallery